Better with age?

This year, I hit a milestone birthday.  It felt really strange to begin a new decade, and new half-century, but now that I'm passed it, it doesn't really feel any different.  I'm actually in better physical shape that I have been since high school and I have no major aches or pains or disabilities...I've been very blessed!  But I have noticed something has changed with the passing of time.  It's my heart...

I think I'm wired a bit differently than most people; I've always looked for honesty from others, constructive criticism, and correction when I've been in error. And I've been pretty accommodating and flexible over the years; change was never really difficult for me.  However, something seems to have changed over the last few years; I'm suddenly aware that I don't bend the way I used to and I'm more easily offended, especially by those closest to me. And I'm taken back to a Scripture I read in the last few days from Ezekiel, in which God speaks of a heart of stone and a heart of flesh.  I realize that maybe what's happening is that my heart is starting to harden; maybe it's like the clay on the potter's wheel.  If that clay is not continually shaped and molded, watered and reworked, it will become hard and stony.  If the clay does not remain supple and pliable in the potter's hands, it will, with the passing of time, become rigid and will, in fact, begin to shrink.  Maybe that's what's been changing...I fear I'm not yielding to the Potter's hands as I once used to. Oh, I hear His voice and feel His touch as I read the Scriptures, but perhaps I'm not as receptive to His voice as I hear it through those around me.  When someone tells me, honestly and in love, that my tone was angry or my words cutting, my pride is stepping in and keeping me from making a change. Instead, I sit, doing nothing, like a clay pot on a motionless wheel, hardening. I find myself repeating the words of the apostle Paul: "I do the things I don't want to, and don't do the things I should." I don't want to be inflexible, like clay that becomes useless with the passing of time.  It is my soul's desire to remain receptive and yielding, a mature woman with a heart of flesh!



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Hey, I'm still here!

I took a walk today in the late afternoon, and was inspired by the beauty around me...an unseasonably warm day, blue skies and the rustling leaves beneath my feet.  There's really nothing like the fall in Michigan; some days just take my breath away!  This was one of those days. 

As I drank in the day, my mind turned to this page, one on which I haven't written for nearly six months.  So much has happened during these many days, and yet, at the same time, so little.  My life, once busy and filled with schedules, rehearsals, phone appointments and late nights, has become a model of simplicity.  My days were always about what I was doing...now, my days are about being.  My adult life has, in some ways, come full circle: when I got married, my focus was on being a wife, then a mother, teacher, production manager, director.  Now, I'm back around to simply wife and mother.  Most of my teaching is done, and, although one is never done being a mom, much of my day-to-day "mothering" has diminished.  Wife I'll always be, as long as the Lord sees fit. There's so much more quiet in my days now; I make dinners again, I bake and I clean. And so, each morning, I take time to listen to the voice of my Father, as He leads me through days of non-complexity. And therein I find contentment...not happiness or sadness, boredom or confusion...but contentment, knowing that, through busyness or simplicity, the Anchor to my soul is sure and He alone is my Treasure. It is by His grace alone that I stand.

A new chapter

These last few weeks, I've been feeling like I'm being written in the middle of a book...let me explain.  There are some books that I've read over the years that are real page-turners; when one chapter is done, you just can't bear to wait another minute to start the next.  Sometimes I finish a chapter and find myself completely unsure what the next page holds.  Other time, I linger over the last chapter, not wanting to go on, because what was previously written was so rich and sweet. I have recently been lingering over my last chapter, even though I'm already a few words into the next one.  My recent move has so displaced me that I feel unsure of what lies ahead,  but I'm sure that each word written will work together to create an amazing story.  But I still can't believe the last chapter is over...there are still tears if I linger too long over those pages. 

But the other morning, I found my way to my back porch with my coffee and the gospel of John.  I casually read over Jesus' first miracle at Cana.  Then I read it over again, and something in those words came very alive.  I pictured myself holding a glass of water, a 'nothing special' glass of water, when suddenly the water turns to wine.  Nothing shaken, nothing stirred...it just changed!  How amazing that would be, whether or not you like wine!!  The very nature of the liquid was transformed through no work or power of its own.  Then, I thought of my life; at this point in my story, I'm back to a very simple life...wife, mother, daughter...it feels like a pretty 'nothing special' chapter right now.  But if Jesus is able to transform a glass of water into something completely different, it can't be outside the realm of possibility that He can do something within this vessel, like He has done so many times before.  And the miracle at the wedding wasn't for the benefit of the water jars that held the water; it was done for the benefit of all those present on that day...and I remembered that, although this story may be telling the journey of my life, it isn't really about me...it's about all those around me, and helping them see the Miracle-working Author and Finisher of my faith!

And so it goes...

Another chapter in my life is now done, and it's time to move on. Lately, there have been many late night conversations, many prayers, many tears; but through the storm, I still see God's hand, leading me and directing me to something different, new doors, new opportunities. Over the last few years, I've learned so much about grace, gifts, trust, perseverance, disappointment, brokenheartedness...and the ever-increasing love I have for my beautiful daughters, amazing husband and wonderful Savior! God has shown me dazzling streams of light peeking out of storm clouds and moments of great stillness in the midst of a windstorm; there is always peace in His hand, regardless of the circumstances in which I find myself. And so, as I step forward into the next chapter, I hold tightly to the love I have shared with those with whom I walked yesterday, and take what I've learned and share it with those with whom I'll walk tomorrow. It is my prayer that my heart be ever shaped and molded by the grace of God, that I might walk worthy of Him who gave His very life as ransom for me.

A few days away

Over the last few days, I've taken a little trip...it was spontaneous, surprising.  Truth be told, I talk about taking trips like these...from afar, I embrace them and look forward to the change they will bring, but once they are upon me, I find the whole prospect terrifying.  Exploration of new places...or places I'd not been to for quite some time...or places to which I'd hoped I'd never return. 

I didn't take a weekend in Chicago, or set off to a sunny beach for a few days, or even get away for a time of solitude and silence.  Mine was a inward journey...I was forced to take an honest evaluation of some of my attitudes and motivations, my selfishness and my pride.  I was taken with loving hands to a place where the road stretched far out before me, and I was compelled to see beyond the haze of the moment.  There, in the quiet of my soul, I was honest with myself about myself and those around me...and then I was honest with them...confessions of knee-jerk responses, unfinished tasks and a weariness to continue.  Then, I knew I was on the way back home...with renewed resolve, I began my routine once again.  But that voyage within has changed me...I'm still learning, still growing.  I'm so thankful I'm on the other side, but I know I need to always keep my baggage close at hand for the next unexpected journey.

And please don't think I'm heartbroken or defeated...quite the opposite, really.  I rejoice in the fact that, as I decrease, He will increase.  As I die to my selfish attitudes and twisted motives, Christ will be more glorified in me and through me! 

We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves. 
~Author Unknown


Photos by Teresa Pizzimenti

Moment by moment

Good morning, Diane...sorry it's been so long since I've written here!

I've been feeling impressed this new year to embrace life in a new way.  I feel God urging me to treasure each of my moments throughout the day.  And I know that I have been doing that for the most part as I go through my days - at least I try to.  But this is different.  Let me explain further.

Winter is upon us in Michigan and that means very chilly weather, bundling up under downy jackets and staying toasty for as much of my time as possible.  But lately I've felt compelled to stand for a while outside, feeling the cold air as it brushes my skin; to smell the winter air, with its crispness and a hint of burning wood from a distant fireplace; to enjoy the moment from the top of my head to the soles of my feet instead of dreading the cold and wishing I were inside.  I'm so thankful I'm able to take a deep breath and allow all my senses to drink in the brisk January morning.  Another morning means it is by God's grace that I am here again, watching the light dance on the frosty ground and seeing the sun rise pink and orange over the eastern sky.  Another morning means I can hold fast to the loved ones by whom I'm surrounded and pray that I might grow deeper in love with the One Who has given me life. It is my prayer that I live, fully, each moment that passes...every joy, every pain, the raucous laughter, the burning tears, the quiet breaths .  All of them are gifts from the Father...I want to be thankful...moment by moment.