November

I remember last May, sitting at a party, thinking about how busy the fall was going to be for me.  My days were going to be filled with driving, scheduling, working...really, I was planning on it being the busiest year of my life.  But I was so excited; I was anticipating with great joy the adventure that lay before me. And so it began.

Then, completely without notice, everything changed.  Not so much my outside world changed (although that was also part of the picture), but my inside world changed.  The way I was looking at life took a drastic turn.  My relationships were challenged, my purpose was challenged...my faith was challenged.  And, once again, I'm confident in Whose hand my life rests; my absolute trust that His greater purpose is at work in my life has never changed.  But I must admit, I feel numb; I feel weary. And I've become startlingly aware that I am alone...no one can truly feel my pain or disappointment.  Others can empathize or sympathize, but at the end of the day, no one else can crawl into my skin; no one can see the deep recesses of my heart and mind.  No one, that is, except the One who created those far away places of my heart and mind.  He alone walks with me through desperate times, when it feels like waves are crashing into my soul; He alone is with me in the lonely moments, when I feel the emptiness close in on me in the dark.  And He alone will rejoice with me when I have come to the other side and feel His presence like the warm sun on a cool autumn afternoon.

I am so thankful that God has been gracious to me, in surrounding me with friends and family who will journey with me and love me in spite of myself.  But I am most thankful that I find my worth, my comfort, my joy, my life in the One who walked alone to a rugged cross and paid a price I never could, so that I would never walk alone.

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen."     Jude 24-25

Another evening

Mondays are long days for me.  I get up way before this first light of dawn, ready myself for my day, drive an hour away to begin 8 1/2 hours of classes/lessons with, by the end of the day, over 60 students ranging in age from 5-16.  In addition, I'm running up and downs 2 flights of stairs a number of times throughout the day, dancing, moving, singing, directing, and usually find only a brief moment of two for a quick bite to eat or a run to the restroom.  Then, I come home.  Needless to say, I'm exhausted by the time I empty my car, walk through the door and settle in for the night with a good cup of coffee and some solitude.  But days that are emotionally charged or challenging leave me with little else to do but settle into the hands of God, knowing that nothing is spiraling out of control, beyond His watchful eyes or His righteous right hand.

"I stand amazed to think the King of Glory would come to live within the heart of men.  I marvel just to know He really loves me, when I think of who He is and who I am.  He's more wonderful than my mind can conceive, He's more wonderful than my heart can believe!  He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams.  He's everything that my soul ever longed for, everything that He promised and so much more.  He's more than amazing, more than marvelous, more than miraculous could ever be.  He's more than wonderful...that's what Jesus is to me."  (http://youtu.be/Vm3pcE-yx_I?t=35s)

So here I sit in my kitchen and I find myself in tears, as I go back to some of the first moments of my life...the life I live for the glory of the One Who saved me and walks with me.  This song, though 20-some years old, says everything my heart can't express.  Do you know Him?  He is, truly, more than wonderful!

On the Battlefront

I've recently been involved in a skirmish, but have sat back and quietly, patiently taken the blows. I've been shaken a bit, feeling uneasy and treading lightly wherever I go.  But, over the last few weeks, I must say that I am at peace knowing that my life is held in the hands of One greater than any man and every moment is sifted through His fingers.  And my heart has changed...instead of feeling anger or frustration, I am being moved to compassion for the one with whom I'm battling.  When I realize that it is out of the abundance of his heart that he speaks, it grieves me. This experience has been a reminder to me that I can never judge someone by the sorts of words they pour forth...and I need to watch what comes from my lips, as well....because they are all a reflection of the condition of the heart.

I will be praying for you...

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart by pleasing to You!"

Out of the Zone

In looking back over the last few days, I realized that I've been getting stretched...I've been doing a few things that are out of my comfort zone.  So, laying aside pride and insecurity, I ventured out...and found great blessings. Mind you, these were not huge leaps of faith, but small strides...but strides, nonetheless!  God has called me to new places and, in His amazing faithfulness, He meets me right there.  Ahead, I see change coming...but I know that if I continue to come when He calls...if I step out of the boat...there will be life and peace.  Out of the comfort zone and into His presence, where there is fullness of joy...that's where I want to be!

Back to real life

I spent the last two weeks celebrating my 25th anniversary with John, my sweetheart and best friend.  We went to a variety of places along the East Coast...NYC, Long Branch and Atlantic City, NJ, Philadelphia and Washington DC. Yes, we saw a Broadway show; yes, we had some good seafood; yes, we got some great free upgrades on some great free rooms (rewards points are a wonderful thing); and yes, we saw some amazing landmarks and architecture.  But my very favorite thing was spending some time living by the motto, "We have nowhere to be and nothing to do."  We had time to walk together, hold hands, look in each other's eyes and really listen to each other.  It's not that we don't do all those things on a very regular basis, but being away from the ordinary busyness of life and spend time for each other, with nothing pressing, nothing more important that each other...THAT was the greatest gift.  I am so thankful, God, that you brought John into my life when I least expected it, and made our life together a beautiful thing!

An amazing tapestry

For the last ten days, I've been working with kids and adult staff to help produce a show with Homeschool Performing Arts, a theatre production company for homeschooled students and their families.  I'm finishing up my third year with the organization, my sixth show.  Over the last two weeks, I sat through multiple rehearsals, including dress rehearsals, and then two performances.  But it never gets old, it never stops affecting me.  I was overwhelmed the other night as I watched a group of these young men and women meet the challenge of a complex choreography number, tackled with great enthusiasm and energy.  I was moved with great thankfulness for the privilege of being a part of HPA.  And it occurred to me, once again, that it was for this moment in history that I was born.  The gifts, talents, failures, and frailties I find in myself are all brought together to do the work that is now before me.  Those days, as a little girl, that I pretended to play school with my stuffed animals in my bedroom; the dreams that I had in high school of spending my life doing theatre; the hopes I'd had all my life of being married and having a beautiful family; they've all come together, woven beautifully together, to create what is my life today.  All those strands have come together with precision and purpose...no mistakes, no wrong colors...all created in amazing fashion by an Amazing Master Craftsman. Each new day will bring new challenges and new victories which will better equip me for the next day. And, as a tapestry cannot boast in itself, nor the loom take pride in it's accomplishments, I magnify the One who alone had the pattern and the ability to make the tapestry something useful and reflective of His magnificent glory!

The Wednesday before Thursday

I'm sitting quietly in my living room this morning,  looking at the rain fall and the wind gently blow through the trees in my front yard.  And I'm enjoying the calm solitude that is my home this morning.  John and the girls are working, each in their own space; and mine is my own, at least for now.  But tomorrow begins the busyness that is tech/show week for a production with which I'm involved in Kalamazoo.  And that means that I will NOT be in the calm solitude that is my home for the better part of the next week and a half.  I will lose track of the days, the hours will fly by, and I won't get nearly enough sleep.  Don't get me wrong; I love spending time with these people, the busyness, the fast (sometimes frantic) pace at which I will conduct my life for the next few weeks.  But there is a down side, a dangerous side. There is always the possibility of losing my footing when things get so frenetic; will the demands of the urgent take precedence over the call of the important?  I musn't forget my purpose in the midst of doing the good work.  I know Who will get the honor at the final curtain, but what about at the end of each day...at the end of each conversation?

It is always my prayer that, in whatever role I find myself, I never forget my audience of One.

What a blessed Easter!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!
(Lyrics by Bill & Gloria Gaither)

Because grace is never about me...it's always about Him;
because He paid a debt He didn't owe,
and I owed a debt I couldn't pay;
I am blessed, today.

And if I wake tomorrow to live another day, I will be blessed.
I will be blessed.

Imagine all the sunrises and sunsets we've missed

These are some very poignant words, and they were shared with me by my mother-in-law today.  I was so grateful I had the opportunity to spend time with her and my father-in-law this evening.  I have always loved the conversations we've had, and today was no different.  She was explaining how, when she and Dad were in Hawaii, every morning she'd go out on their patio and watch the sunrise...everyday while they were there.  And when sunset came, she'd be sure to find a window to watch the sun dip into the horizon.  Then she said, "Imagine all the sunrises and sunsets we've missed!" 

Those simple occurences happen every day, events that take place that sometimes we're just too busy to notice or find too mundane to pay attention.  But sunrises and sunsets amaze me;  they happen every day, but they are all so different.  Sometimes the colors are so vivid, painted by the very hand of God.  Other days, the clouds hide the sun from our view...the sunrise happens, but we just don't see it. 

So I sat with my daughters and my in-laws, three generations around the kitchen table, sharing wine, root beer and oreos, talking about school, family, career, marriage, life. I'm so glad I took the time to look closely, listen intently and embrace the beauty that was this moment.  This evening, I experienced a vibrant sunset; I don't want to miss another one!

A great Good Friday

It's been quite a while since I've been moved by a Good Friday event.  This year, I was moved.

I went to a production today called "The Second Day", which examines the feelings of the people who surrounded Jesus the day after His crucifixion. The acting was great; the message was amazing.  But I was moved by God's incredible timing and grace, by setting me in that theatre at that time...I was overwhelmed with the way He has woven the lives of the actors with the lives of the characters they portray and the producers of the show. IAnd more than anything else, I felt privileged to know that He would choose to use me in small ways, seemingly meaningless ways, to nudge at the heart of one of those actors who is trying so hard to surrender to the One who loves him, loves all of us, more than we can ever imagine. I never thought our lives would intersect...we were really just names on e-mails, in correspondence a year ago...and today my life was changed because I will be praying for him.

And none of it would have been possible had it not been for that first, great Good Friday!

Artwork by Teresa Pizzimenti

...one is silver and the other gold.

This afternoon I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend.  What a delight it was!!  I enjoy meeting new friends, but there's nothing like sharing hearts and lives with people you haven't been with in years.  I found myself really listening, really trying to enter into all that her life holds.  I have been learning to cherish those with whom I surround myself, and so valuing the time I get to spend with them.  Time is so fleeting, circumstances change...things will come and go, but I want to hold fast to relationships.  So, if I seem to hug you a little longer or a little tighter the next time I see you, you'll know...I'm holding on to the silver AND the gold. 

(And in case you don't know what it is I'm talking about...a little song I once learned was "Make new friends, and keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.")

In My Daughter's Eyes

Over the weekend, I was searching for a song I could sing at a Mothers' Day concert.  A google search brought me to Martina McBrides' "In My Daughter's Eyes", written by James Slater.  I've been pondering these words for the last few days...

"In my daughter's eyes I am a hero:
I am strong and wise and I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see -
She was sent to rescue me.
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes"

How often do I stop and remember that it's not my job to change all the people and circumstances in my life?  Does my heart overflow with thankfulness for the people who have come into my life to change me?  I know that, specifically with my beautiful daughters, I do teach them now and again, but I'm really the student: I've learned about living without judgement and prejudice, not being afraid of facing tough questions, and knowing it's okay that I don't have all the answers.  I've learned to take time to sing and dance in the kitchen, build snowmen in the winter, and listen...really listen...with my head and my heart. 

I see in my daughters joy, beauty, strength, simplicity, gentleness, compassion...I see who I want to be!

And so it begins...

I started my day with a great read...'even if the earth were removed, and the mountains carried into the sea; if the mountains shake and the waters roar, I won't be afraid'...  I know whose I am; I rest secure.  When it's 80 degrees on April 10th, and it snows on April 18th, I will not be shaken!  I've come to the point in my life where I can honestly say that my soul rests despite the unrest I find surrounding me.  This, THIS, was a good day!